Letting go, continued…

Hello my friends, I would love to say Hello my lovelies like Kim Klassen says, but I feel like I’m a copycat….yes/no? I don’t know. Anyway when I first started this blog, I wrote about Letting Go, and well I guess I wasn’t entirely honest…..I didn’t lie, I just didn’t go into as much depth as I could….I guess we can all be guilty of that, can’t we?

You might want to grab a cuppa, as this one is a bit wordy…..but I think I need to get it off my chest, so to speak.

So I started a journey of discovery, actually it started back in September 2014, a few home truths have been surfacing since then, and I could try and bury them,

But you need to do what is right for you……

Close your eyes and imagine the best version of you possible.
That’s who you really are, let go of any part of you that doesn’t believe it.

~ C. Assaad

Borrowing a quote from Kim’s site, but it is true and being true to oneself means also being honest with oneself. I do not have a husband or children with addition or sickness……….it’s ME. I think I have an addictive personality, not illicit drugs, nor gambling, or even alcohol; it’s food and ‘stuff ‘. I used to smoke too, but I quit that after I was sick in hospital, so now I just eat! I used to shop all the time for shoes and clothes and stuff, but I hate how I look now, so I am busy trying to make everything else pretty, my house, my studio. I seem to busy my life with things so I don’t have to think about them………I guess that is part of the problem. I hate exercising, unless it’s something fun, like walking somewhere to get a shot, but even now if it’s too far, too hard; I give up. I KNOW I should, even if it just a walk around the block, but I keep making excuses. My husband is enabler, so that doesn’t help, I love him for the fact he loves me no matter what, but I guess it doesn’t help either. I feel like how can someone love me, when I can’t even love myself?

Photography helps, as I am moving when I’m shooting (and I don’t think about the aches and pains or food), but I then spend a lot of time on the computer editing……..I should just step away, take a brisk 20 minute walk………but do I? No. I honestly don’t even know what is stopping…….yes I do, I have bad knees and hips, but my weight only makes it worse. Sure I quite smoking but I am still so out of shape I can barely walk 1km. I used to be a gym junkie……..lol can you imagine? I used to get up every morning and do Personal Training, weights, cardio, then walked the dogs for like 1 hour every night and I did TaeKwondo training 2- 3 times a week……that’s when I did my first knee, a solid round house kick and I tore the meniscus in my left knee; ouch!

I did physio and saw doctors who keep telling me to give it a little time to heal, and then a little more. I stopped TaeKwondo, then stopped going to the gym., then stopped walking; it was too painful, eventually I was in one of those electric scooters, just to do the grocery shopping; it was embarrassing. I put on 30kgs, I had to do something. Eventually I saw a specialist who agreed it was time for surgery, and then the long road to recover, I mean I really hadn’t walked anywhere for 12 months, it was going to take a while to get back into shape. Then I got sick, needed surgery, had to heal, then something else went wrong and needed surgery again, it became a merry go round. I ended up having 10 procedures in 6 years, and gained another 10 kgs.

My health was not brilliant, and I was still suffering, then I got really sick, it was stupid really, I got the flu. But hey, I’m a Mum, so I just kept soldiering on, right? I took cold and flu tablets, and because they were not working completely, I also took Paracetamol as well, I had a temperature and was not resting and became dehydrated and ended up with a blocked bile duct and my liver and kidneys stopped functioning properly. I woke in the middle of the night in SO MUCH PAIN, I knew something was wrong, I spent 19 days in Hospital, 3 different hospitals. Just to make matters worse they were giving me paracetamol for the pain! Did you know you can die from paracetamol toxicity? I didn’t, but It’s true! So my liver and kidneys went into meltdown and so did I, there was 24 hours where I was under constant watch, drips….but NO DRUGS, my body could not handle any more drugs.MRI, CT Scans, tests, tests and more tests, because they didn’t know what was wrong initially. Finally they fixed the blockage and put me back on the long road to recover; it took months. It took 12 months for my liver to heal itself and luckily there was no long term damage to my kidneys and other organs……..I got lucky!

I felt free, alive and grateful, I swore if I survived this I would turn my life around, and in some ways I have. I found and threw myself wholeheartedly into photography, the studio, my studies, I quit smoking, which is a big deal, and I quit buying clothes and stuff for the house I didn’t really need (well mostly – old habits die hard). But I didn’t really do anything about my weight, I am, what I am………..or so I kept telling myself. We travelled, something I had always wanted to do, and we never took opportunities for granted, we have experienced so much in the last 2 years, I am truly grateful and then…. I ended tearing the meniscus in my right knee and yep, you guessed more surgery and I am still not right 6 months later. Arthritis is setting in and I have issues with my knees, my hips and my spine…….not making excuses (well maybe I am), and they say to keep moving is the best thing, but it hurts. Sometimes (especially when it’s cold) to just sit in a comfy chair…………..and eat! I eat when I am happy, when I am sad, when I am bored, when I am cold, if I saw something………if I had just one trigger, it might be easier, but I don’t I seem to have no will power any more.

So 2015 was a year of learning for me, and I learned a LOT, so now 2016 is a year of intentions; cause and causality if you will. I need to own up to my faults and do something about them. I need to let go of physical stuff (Oh my I could fill several wardrobes with clothes I can no longer fit into!) and be intentional in my purpose, and not just my photography. But where to start? That is always the hardest part of any journey isn’t it, the start? I do not know where my journey will take me, or if I will even achieve, but I need to start somewhere I for once I need to look internally.

I have to do what is right for me…wow, I feel like a bit of a weight of burden has been lifted.

~ Julz

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